Hurting, Hiding, Healing

This has been a season of hurting. Mother has had her fractured spine, with so much pain for so many weeks. It appears that she is on the mend following surgery, and now a new fracture has taken place to add to the hurt.
I've had a sad disagreement with my daughter who is expecting a baby any minute. I know that this is hormonal and that she wouldn't ordinarily say the things she has said to me, but that knowledge isn't much of  a shield against the pain of being accused of being a "pain".
She seems to think that I'm too difficult to deal with in her present circumstances, accusing me of being needy and demanding. I offered to go and be with her because I thought I might be of help and I just wanted to be nearer to her. She said no thanks and, really for the first time, clearly told me what they had planned for Sloan's care during and after the birth of the baby. I read her plan, admittedly felt unnecessary, and wrote her back an email that was meant to be sassy about now having the picture, and that the straight forward communication was better than round about avoidance of saying anything outright  that we both inherited from our fathers.
This is evidently where things started to go wrong. She has used the word terse about my response. And Friday afternoon when she thought she was in labor she claimed  I was "getting back at her" because I was at happy hour with the teachers and didn't hear the phone in my purse until the second time she called.
She had been thinking she was in labor since 11:30 in the morning, but waited until 4:00 in the afternoon to call me. It takes four hours to drive to Dallas if you are pulling away from the pump at the Exxon station. My thought was that she could have given a girl a head's up that something might be happening earlier in the day.
While trying to express these thoughts I became the conflict she could no longer bear. She told me just not to come and hung up the phone.
Now it is Sunday morning and our last exchange was yesterday morning by accusing and apologetic text message... that's close communication. I've felt worse, but only when someone has died. She is about to have this baby and feels all this conflict with her own mother. No comfort, no caring, no help. She doesn't want my help until she wants it. She pushes me away with one hand and then is angry with me when I don't come close enough to hold the other hand.
My hope is that when her actual labor does happen, she will relent and call me to come. But I'm preparing myself for the event that it doesn't happen that way. I feel withdrawn and pulled into my shell of emotional protection. Rejection is my biggest fear. I've been rejected by her father, please don't let her reject me too.
But it can happen. I know that now, but I've also been on a long journey of learning that I am entitled to my own thoughts and feelings. Being kind and accommodating doesn't have to include complete denial of self. If even these people who are dearest in all the world to me, aren't willing to accept me for who I am, then maybe I am truly alone in the world. But I must have the power to claim my place, to own my feelings, to be present in my own life, to ask for what I need and actually expect to be heard.

As Bad As It Gets

This is a week that won't go away and that I will not soon forget. Here in the filling of the mother/daughter sandwich that is me, I've been waiting on both ends for long enough to be tired of the wait. Now mother is home from the hospital and evidently recovering nicely. Yesterday I left school thinking that I had all the loose ends tied up and praying that the grand baby would be born this weekend...how convenient that would be, right on schedule.
There was no word yesterday from the baby watch, so after school I made arrangements to go for Mexican therapy. About 4:00 I missed a call from a phone buried in my purse while sitting in a noisy restaurant.
Then I missed a text. The third call I heard and when I picked up the problem started. She thinks she's in labor, I know I've had two margaritas.
Last weekend we had been through a discussion of her belief that I should not head that way until morning if the labor began late. This wasn't late, but I would have had to do some packing and sober up before I could hit the road. I decided without much thought that I'd just sit tight and go in the morning.
I don't know for sure what all her gripe involves. I know that my problem is feeling kept at arm's length. The vibe is just cool and we'll whistle when we need you, so I admit to feeling a little left out. Evidently that makes my written communication seem like retaliation. She said that she felt I was trying to get back at her.
She also said that I am problematically needy, demanding and have to have everything my way. Then, here comes the hard part, she said that she just didn't want me to come. She said that she couldn't have this conversation right now and she hung up.
I haven't heard from her since. I contacted her mother in law to see if the baby had been born. She said it was false labor and thought they had slept through the night. I sent an apology very early this morning and haven't heard anything back.
This is miserable, truly miserable. And I have no one to blame but myself. I don't know how old I will have to be to finally grow up and handle things the right way. Hell, I don't even know what the right way is.